RELATIONSHIPS........... Resolving Conflicts............Maintaining Self-esteem............... Nurturing myself......... Art of Forgetting.......&......... Overcoming Possessiveness
In relationships, at times we feel that the other person is not only a problem but also a source of conflicts. We have to be aware that there always have to be two people involved for there to be an unhappy or conflictive exchange. When we are in any conflict, it is difficult to see and understand the true causes and the real energy of the process of the conflict. The emotions that arise inside us during a conflict distract us and even blind us.
In the first place, it is important to recognize, undoubtedly that your response in any situation of conflict is your contribution to the conflict. The process of responding to any person or situation is something that takes place in you. Nothing can make you feel anything without your permission. If you have been in conflict with someone for a time, for sure, you create fear or anger towards them, expressing thus behaviors of resistance when you communicate or relate to them. The other person is not responsible for your emotions or for your behavior.
Your experience of conflict and your contribution to the conflict begin in your consciousness and you keep them in your consciousness. It begins with your perception of the others . If you perceive them negatively you will think negatively; you will feel negative and create a negative attitude; you will behave negatively, and so you will transmit a negative energy. You don't have to do it like that. Perception is a choice.
When there is conflict there is mental and emotional pain, even physical too. Who creates that pain? You! Who creates at least half of the conflict? You! Where do you dissolve it? In your consciousness - in you. Freeing yourself of the conflict is a matter of a right decision. At any moment you can decide not to be in conflict. One party has to dissolve their contribution to the conflict, even if it is temporarily, for the process of resolution to be able to begin.
During a conflict, it is good to realize that the energy that you put into the conflict will possibly be the quality of energy that you will receive in return. This is the law of reciprocity (cause and effect). On a subtle level, we radiate according to our attitude, and on a physical level, we radiate according to our behavior. What we transmit on a subtle and physical level will return to us in a similar way; unless the ‘other’ is wiser and decides not to give us back the same negative energy, but rather to treat us in exchange with a positive attitude and pro-active behavior. That way, that person won't bring about a dependence inside us, but rather they will help us to free ourselves of our own negativity.
Often, conflict between two people happens because we do not get the result in a relationship that we want; we are stuck to getting a specific result and we allow our happiness to depend on getting it. On not getting it, we use a wrong method; we generate a conflict, we feel ourselves to be victims, we blame the other, we project our pain onto them; all of this under the belief that others - the other - is who makes us happy or unhappy. This is totally a false belief. When your happiness depends on your expectations being fulfilled, it is difficult to be happy in a constant way. Often expectations are disguised desires, and where there are desires there is fear - the fear of not getting what you want. When you don't get it you get unhappy and, in so doing, you keep happiness away from you. It is good to set yourself goals of peaceful relationships, but if they are not fulfilled or if these goals take time to achieve, don't lose your sense of well being. Your happiness is a much more valuable treasure than the external achievement of your expectations and of those that others have of you.
Learn Maintaining Your Self-Esteem In Relationships
When a person is in love with another human, the marvelous thing about being in love is that it is a totally positive projection. There is a person who projects on to you all that is positive: you are marvelous, you are unique, you are indispensable, you are a treasure. That positive projection generates a euphoric state, of bliss, of well being, whereby you are flying. You feel loved, cared for, needed and valued. That positive projection lasts for a time until, with the dependencies and expectations, the negative projection begins.......................... "You should have called me,.................... you should have told me,..................... you should have come at this time,..................... you should be more like this,...................... you should be less like that,......................... you should have done this or that." and so on.
With these expectations, demands and dependencies, that positive projection and flying state disappear. The other has started interfering in your personal space and the harmony that was there previously is lost. One needs to learn to have a positive vision of oneself. You are marvelous, you are unique; don't depend on them telling you so. This does not mean you need to feed your ego, but that you need to make the most positive emerge from within you. Resort to all your creative, positive, spiritual capacity, so that you do not depend on others having to project positive things onto you in order to feel good. On feeling good in an independent and autonomous way, you will be able to share with others peace, love and positivism. You won't be in the state of a victim but will be true rulers and controllers of your own life with solid self-esteem.
Nurturing My Relationship With Myself
One of the most significant areas of importance in any human’s life is that of relationships. Someone with very good, close, harmonious and loveful relationships with loved ones, friends, colleagues, etc. is normally considered very fortunate or lucky. But of all relationships, the first and most basic one is the one "I" have with myself. So, how good, close or deep is my relationship with myself? How well do "I" know myself? Am "I" my own friend? If "I" think over the last week or fortnight, how many of my reactions were unexpected or uncontrolled or basically not the right ones? How many reactions left me confused, sad, unenthusiastic, peaceless, depressed, negative in any other way or in short uncomfortable? If there have been several such situations, it is an indication that there are still things deep within me that "I" do not know.
Normally a friend is someone whose company you enjoy, for whom there is love and from whom there is some benefit. As in any worldly relationship, without knowing a particular person to the core you can never have a deep relationship with that person. As the phrase ‘spiritual knowledge’ implies, it is the knowledge of the spirit or the self. Only by knowing myself completely and having a good relationship with the self, can I channelize my inner potential that I have within myself - just as water from a river, when properly channelized, provides water for various purposes. In any worldly relationship, if enough time and attention is not given to it and it is not nourished, it gets affected negatively. In the same way, though it's obvious that I have to spend a large chunk of each day involved in situations arising from my duties, routine activities, responsibilities and worldly relationships; my relationship with myself should also be given enough time and attention, so that it does not suffer. If I am not careful about that, my worldly life may use up my energy completely and discharge my inner battery. I need to find times in the day when I give time to my relationship with the self and recharge myself. The peace and happiness I long for internally will be obtained by having a good, positive relationship with the self.
The Art Of Forgetting In Relationships
Sometimes, someone says something in two minutes that makes you feel really bad - they said it in two minutes but it is still there inside the register of your mind two months or even two years later. How could they! Who do they think they are! Something happened in two minutes and you remember it, you repeat it again in your mind and in your words during interactions with others. You keep replaying the scene repeatedly in your mind. Just like an action replay of a cricket match, you see the replays from different angles and judge the scene in many different and negative ways and come to different conclusions, most of which are negative in nature. With this you strengthen that experience in your mental register. Memories and the experiences associated with the memories replayed continuously in the conscious mind enter your sub-conscious, so that even after a long period of time you remember what they said to you. The other person unburdened themselves and forgot it straightaway.
It's like your neighbour who takes out rubbish, throws it outside his house, into your compound and forgets about it and you allow that rubbish to remain there, without thinking of getting it cleaned. Someone throws a few words at you and they forget, but not only do you not forget but you repeat them in your mind to such a point that at times these action replays do not even let you sleep. We need to learn the art of forgetting memories that generate shadows of hurt or pain in our present. The past has already gone and what you have now is the present moment.
Overcoming Possessiveness And Complexes In Close Relationships
We are all aware and we all experience also that close knit family relationships are a constant source of happiness and love. But these relationships, many a times, also possess the capacity of bringing along with this love and joy, many different negative shades of possessiveness and domination, and complexes and dependencies. These are widespread ailments existing in our family relationships today, but which can be cured. Meditation is a very positive healing process which can cure the causes of these ailments, which exist inside the human souls. Once the causes are cured through meditation, relationships become extremely healthy, which provide the self from others and from the self to others, only and only positivity energy, in the form of positive and empowering thoughts, feelings, words and actions.
A common sign of these diseases is lack of respect for people close to us more so towards elders. As a result of an un-respectful consciousness, we sometimes behave with our nearest and dearest ones, like maybe our spouse or children or siblings (brothers or sisters) or parents, in such an offensive manner which we normally never and would not ever even think of showing towards people with whom we are not very close. It's not just a question of mannerisms, but of inner respect for the other. So often in families, a particular fixed order in relationships, positions of higher and lower, positions of senior and junior, become established, leading to feelings of superiority and inferiority, the effects of which start penetrating in the relationships e.g. the mother-in-law is very dominating and takes it for granted that she will be listened to by the son and daughter-in-law. Or an older brother or sister orders around a younger sibling, not giving him/her enough space in which to speak his or her own mind and express himself/herself, leading to an inferiority complex in the younger sibling. Or a wife is extremely possessive of the husband, not giving him enough personal freedom. Once established, these behaviors become permanent habit and tend to be carried with us through life, so that even when we have left the original family relationships and circumstances in which these behaviors existed, we bring the same personality traits into our new relationships and circumstances. Is this Right & Righteous???...............NOT @ ALL...................................And always REMEMBER....TWO THINGS in maintaining good relationship...........
1.Never take any relationship for granted.................Hold each and every relationship close to your heart and in high esteem...........You might wake up one day to realise that........you have lost a diamond in your own possession which you will never get back and you continue to be busy in collecting stones.
2. Always be the reason for your relationships happiness and never only be a part of it............And always be a part of your relationship's sadness, but never be the reason for it.
Compiled & Edited by........................ JK
